I

I was going to set myself three challenges, write about Octomom, Vigilantism (?) and finally write about David Lynch. In the end I decided all things could end up quite dull; David Lynch is brilliant, as is vigilantism but Octomom isn't great and shouldn't make porn. Instead, I'll write about other things that border on intresting and then explain my stance on 'I' as a pronoun used in blog writing.

I have seen 'Lesbian Vampire Killers'. The inclusion of the 's means that I don't mean just walking around but the thing that is currently residing/squatting in its own filth in cinemas. If this thing is what you/they call a film, then before this, I had never experienced one before.
Is this because the thing towers over the greats (which in this day simply means 'The Dark Knight' or 'Wall-E')? No, this is because it is a kind of shit the likes of the world has not encountered before. I could try and be constructive and tell you exactly why the film doesn't work and what's more, has not even an ounce of humor within it's squalid body but I can't be bothered. It doesn't really require it. All I have to say is that every single member of the crew was masturbating furiously over each shot, line and action their genius had created and no member was more covered in this dark, porridge-y load than the director/editor duo, Phil Claydon and James Herbert.

According to these two, people don't move fast enough in real life so what we end up with is a gash scene after gash scene running at seemingly random speeds cut together with comedy sound effects ("Her hand doesn't move nearly as fast enough to her face at this point, can you make it fast and put that swish sound effect in? So what if she looks like she's having a fit, this is art.")
I don't know if that really happened while they were in the cutting room, but I think it probably did.

Another thing, as a person who thinks freedom of speech is a pretty great thing and nothing should be censored, this film was so bad that the parts that may offend a lesbian Mary Whitehouse for the modern age also offended me. What is used to kill the afforementioned beasts? A dildo-sword. On the surface a simple, childish joke but deep within does this expose the misogynistic underbelly of "Phil Claydon"? An object of masculinity used to destroy homosexual women? Probably not. But it's where my mind wandered to as this shit went on.

Okay. I know that you're (I adress you as if there's someone reading this) thinking that I went to see a film called "Lesbian Vampire Killers" and shouldn't be surprised that it's shit. And you're right. That's all I can say.

On another note, I don't think 'I' should be used in blogs. It makes it seem like too much of a journal/diary thing. It's hard to write it not in first person though, especially if I saw something that I hated and I feel like I should talk about it I. In the future I won't use I. I promise.

God dammit.